Mom in France

NPR loves the Maternelle!

My mom sent me this recent bit from NPR on French preschool in the context of Obama wanting to institute preschool for all kids in the US.  It's one of those articles about how great the French are at things.  The title, French School Aim to Please Toddlers, Moms , irks me because I don't really think they are trying overtly to please the parents.  What they aim to do, as the director of the Maternelle interviewed says, is to help kids assimilate into society.  This is not a system that allows the parents to drive the show - the french school system, as I've learned is a shock to those who come from societies where the individual is at the root of the philosophy.  Here, from Day 1, it is all about helping the child become a meaningful, productive member of society.

However, I have *almost* come to terms with Boo going to school in the fall.  As my aunt says, I don't really have much choice which is part of the frustration but also helped me resign myself.  Also, I can, finally accept that the system is different and that's OK.  Just another test of the expat adapting to the new country. 

In the end, the piece did make me feel better about things because what they describe, although slanted, is mostly true.  The young kids do make cultural field trips.  Boo will take naps in his little dormitory cot. He will do all sorts of different activities, learning the beginning of reading and writing, counting, art etc.  All good.  My "other" Mom, who taught for a long time, recently said that she thought it was very good they start school at 3 - then they really will have the social skills necessary when entering 1st grade, which she saw as a real challenge as a kindergarten teacher.

Here's the parents guide for the Maternelle from the Ministry of Education (in French) website which also helped me understand better how the educational philosophy ties to the real activity in the classroom - and made me feel more comfortable on how my kids are going to develop.

School Anxiety

Is it normal for me to be so anxious about Boo going to school in the fall?  For some reason, I feel like it's this Big Decision.  And then I have to tell myself, sometimes out loud, "It's pre-school for crissakes." 

Of course, the wider universe isn't much help.  Some people tell me - oh, it really doesn't matter in that first year.  It's a get-the-feet wet year.  Others say that it's Very Important - the director of the school will have a lot to say on what happens in elementary school (and therefore, apparently, his entire career).

Here's what I know (which is not much):

• Kids start school when they are 3.  It is based on the calendar year - so the difference in the first years can be significant.  Boo was born end of March so no biggie either way.  He won't be the oldest or youngest in his class.
• Pre-school lasts for 3 years (Petite, Moyenne, Grande)
• They go full-time, 8.30-4.30pm, 4 days a week (Wednesdays off in our area, like most parts of France).
• They take naps the first year.
• They must be potty-trained (at least during the day!)
• They eat at the school cafeteria, based on availability.  Priority goes to dual-working families.  Sorry to all my friends who have to spend 3/4 of the day shuffling their pre-schooler to and from school.

When E and I started talking about school my big principle was to ensure a biligual, bicultural education. I want to be sure that he learns English and American culture from someone other than me.  I want that he has peers that also study bi-culturally.  Fortunately, there are options.  One is private school.  Many of the private schools on the Riviera were founded with teaching a second language (often English) in mind.  Some are expensive schools that follow the English curriculum. Some are Montessori-method schools with a multi-lingual approach, and some for the older ages that follow the French curriculum but offer 1/2 the time in a second language.  However, E is pretty set against private school.  He quipped, "Why pay twice?"

If we rule that out, at least for now, there are still other, more informal, options:  English-language activities on Wednesdays or Saturdays. Organize playtimes with other english-language kids -- especially those who speak French only at school and English the rest of the time. 

I realized that my anxiety about the language has way more to do with me than anything else.  Boo starting school means turning him over to other that I don't know well to help him learn and grow.  It mirrors the same anxiety I felt selecting a nounou when he was 5 months old and I went back to work. I feel like I don't have control.    And I worry that a time has come and I'm walking into the change blind. After deciding no private pre-school, we applied for a school closer to us.  I learned yesterday we didn't get place. So now, in order to relieve my own anxiety a bit, it's time to go and sign up and meet the teachers myself.

For those who have been there before me: have any advice?

Car Exchange?

Should we give up this...

...for this?

I don't think so!

First Bites (finally!)

OK - not too much navel-gazing, please.  Is it annoying that I'm writing a post about how our almost 8-month old Little Guy is finally eating off the spoon?  I guess it just shows my own anxieties.

Which is funny because with #2 I'm supposed to be more relaxed, right?  What Boo taught me first hand (and that we all read about) is that babies take their own time in achieving milestones.  That I don't need to worry too much that Little Guy does, or does not, do certain things at certain times.

And on the surface I don't worry.  Because, let's face it, I simply don't  have the time to agonize over every.little.moment.  But there are things that do nag at me. Why won't he eat of the spoon?  Why did he stop breastfeeding at 6 months (nothing to do about that one)? When will he learn to sit up on his own?

Then I tell myself (again) not to sweat it because, one day, he will will do it.  And I was very happy for him this weekend when he ate all his meals enthusiastically and he can now join us at the table, side by side with his big brother.

More on (No) Sleep

This was me, yesterday.  I don't have one of those fancy ear thingies for the phone but the rest is still pretty accurate.  My friends who don't have the luxury of an office to escape to in order to recuperate exclaim with sympathy/pity how is possible ?!  I let my husband think the same (woe is me: no sleep and still going to work).  Reality is sitting in an office on a regular day after a night party of kids is waaaaay easier than a full day of same kids. At the office I can have some blocks of time to myself.  I don't have to think of a million things at once, and, usually, I don't have whiny people pulling on my clothes or puking on me.

Did I mention that I've woken more than once this week not in my own bed?  In Boo's bed, sandwiched against the guard rail, or on the sofa bed.  It's not good.

Apparently, I'm not alone.  (See how many comments there are!)  I feel the waves of sympathy and also, from deep inside is a welling, existential "WHY?"

Good luck, fellow sufferers. As for me, it's no more Ms. Nice-Maman.  I'll tell you how it goes.

Photo credit: iStockphoto

Sleep?

And if tonight my soul may find her peace
in sleep, and sink in good oblivion,
and in the morning wake like a new-opened flower
then I have been dipped again in God, and new-created.

~D.H. Lawrence

And if not...welcome to the road to Hell.

~Mom In France

I've been in defense of Little Guy ever since he was born.  My husband keeps telling everyone we cross how poor a sleeper he is and how wonderful Boo was.  Evidence of selective memory.  Boo was a good sleeper in that once he went to sleep he stayed asleep.  But I remember vividly one or the other of us spending 1/2 hour or more beside his crib coaxing him into sleep. 

Little Guy, on the other hand, goes to sleep so easy.  After a rough start -- long jags of crying at the end of a looong day  -- he now wears a big grin getting into his sleep sack and although I often hear him for a little while as he drops off they are all happy noises. Problem is, he doesn't stay asleep.  He's almost 7 months old and still wakes at least once a night.  Funny the things we get used to.  If that was my only problem, I'd be OK.

But no.  Boo is in the big kid bed.  He was great - we did it over Christmas while visiting his grandparents and we had no problems.  He adjusted right away and didn't get out (or fall out).  But now he's discovered he can.  And he wakes up at night with typical toddler nightmares. Again - this I've learned to manage.  Once a night for Little Guy and once a night for chasing nightmares.  Easy.  5 minutes each.

However, for the past two nights Boo has woken up due to a mild cold.  And I mean mild.  But he will. not. go. back. to. sleep.  Night before last we burned the midnight oil from 2-5am, with a some Little Guy action in between.  Getting out of the house in the morning was hard.  I woke up late enough and was slow enough to not eat or even get a coffee before I left.  When I walked into our nounou's house I could smell her espresso maker and nearly keeled over.  She took pity on my and set me up at the kitchen table and got the boys settled.  I was able to make it to work without crashing into something.

During the night we tried everything. Nice Maman.  Nice Papa.  Mean Papa/Nice Maman.  Mean Maman.  Put him back into the travel crib.  Cry cry cry.  Finally, Boo and I ended up on the sofa bed, while Little Guy and E slept relatively peacefully.  Grrrrr....

Last night was a rerun of the first but slightly better.  I fell asleep with Boo in his big bed so he wouldn't get out.  E was off at 5am to catch a plane so he was up anyway.  Little Guy only woke up once (I think).  And I managed to have coffee before I left the house.

But I wonder:  Where is my sleep?  Will I ever get again a good night's sleep ?  My magic 8 ball sitting here on my desk says "My Reply is No."

*Tick-Tock* The Alarm Is About to Ring

I have only 3 weeks until I go back to work! I know, I know, three weeks seems like a long time and longer than most of us get off at any one time.  But I stopped work so long ago we've been through three seasons and are headed to a fourth.  I've fully adjusted to baby-land and the world of the working seems far off.

Or maybe not.  In baby-land there are forces beyond my control (Like the poopsplosions to be endured which require a full change of clothing - always when we are in a public place.)  Same thing in work life whether it be crabby boss/co-workers or technical problems at inopportune moments.  There will still be schedules not of my own creation - I guess there won't be that much difference between the 7am conference call and an unscheduled wake-up of a Little Guy.  He pretty much refuses my attempts at a Gina Ford-style routine (hello? Two-hour nap? Where are you??)  

What is different is my attitude toward going back to work.  The last time I had so much anxiety about leaving Boo and felt that I was essentially wasting my time being away from him.  I resented the Dilbert-life with it's human foibles stuck into boxes on a org chart and people stuck in boxes in buildings.  I felt that if I was going to work it should be something worthwhile.  I still feel that way, and I'm working on it in my copious spare time (ha).  But I worry a lot less about leaving the Little Guys with our wonderful nounou and parenting mentor.  She has been more than someone to babysit or "look after" our kids.  She has become part of the parenting mix - helping us to solve problems, answer questions and even more to reinforce our values so that there is a smooth back-and-forth from one household to another during the week.  I actually think now that Boo is better of with her than just with me alone. 

Also, I'm back from a week-long trip with my in-laws (E was not there) which went amazingly great but I was completely exhausted at the end of it with taking care of 2 Little Guys around the clock.  I am ready for adult time, even if it means enduring meaningless meetings and petty disputes in exchange for a real lunch and face-to-face chatter with other adults.

Oh? And did I tell you that I'm going back to work 3 days a week?  This gives me one weekday with the Little Guys, and one day to work my new project (or at least some peace and quiet).  We're scaling back a bit on expenses and trying to take the loss of income in stride, but overall I'm excited about it.

Dummy or Thumb?

All the books said..."Don't!",  but I was so tired of Boo sucking from me just for snuggle comfort that after 3 weeks I caved.  It was one of the first decisions I felt guilty about because it was against the "official" advice and I felt for the first time that I was doing it for me and not for him.  However, the green light came from a friend and mom of 3 who nonchalantly said, "oh why not".  She knew what I didn't: That this was just such a small thing compared to the others I would confront.  So I did it.  From that first moment he never looked back. We've been through dozens, and he uses it in bed as his lovey, holding on to the nipple while he sleeps.

Now he's one of *those* toddlers with that stupid thing in his mouth.  Luckily, it's becoming more of a guilty pleasure when no one else is around: in the car, in bed.

After caving in, I actually found it rather convenient and was a bit proud even -- at least he doesn't suck his thumb, I told people. When it's time, I can take it away. (Easier said than done, btw).

And now: Little Guy comes along and couldn't give a dang about the pacifier.  Spits it out.  Will only use it on the way to dreamland.  From the first week he's been trying the thumb. Now he alternates between left thumb and the index and middle finger of his right hand.  Like he's trying to decide which is best.  I hate to think how long this will go on (3 years? 10 years? 20?).  I have images that it becomes so subconscious that he won't be able to keep a girlfriend because he'll start sucking his thumb in his sleep.

I'm gloating no more.  Now what seemed like my choices appear to be their preferences and demands expressing themselves.  I am amazed that these first glimmers of personality emerge so early.  I'm so grateful for Little Guy to show me that he's his own person.

Introducing New Boo

I'm not sure my hiatus is over, but I definitely wanted to share the news of our New Boo who decided to join us at midnight on June 28th.

The delivery went great and was blissfully pain free and fast (5 hours start to finish).  Dr. S, obstetrician to the stars, wasn't on call that weekend so I had another OB.  Fine with me.  I had a fantastic night-time view of the sea and the Promenade des Anglais.  We turned the lights down low so we could see. 

At 2am when E left, he reported that on the seedier backside of the hospital, where the parking garage entrance is located, a man and woman fighting on the sidewalk next to their car and the transvestite hookers trying to intervene on her behalf without being attacked themselves. 

We are home now and trying to adjust to having this new life in our family.  Although I'm a little sleep-deprived things are going pretty smoothly.  Boo is a fantastic big brother and although he has a little anxiety about the availability of Maman, he doesn't display jealousy towards the little one, and is always seeking him out to give kisses and to experiment with this new thing. The tiny baby care has mostly come back to me (oh, yeah - the 3am rocking to go back to sleep.  the non-stop eating in the first weeks, the eating dinner with one hand).  Now it's compounded by the 2-year old.  He expresses  "hey what about me?" as joint crying when the new one cries. It's this fabulous fake cry/whine which is WAY more irritating than an actual cry.  And although he's pretty much potty-trained (nighttime diapers only) with us he things the diaper is fun fun fun since baby gets to have one. 

Still, E said to me last week at the end of church that he had this feeling of being a real family now and how wonderful that is.  Indeed.

Bad Parenting Day

I lost it. The evening is the hardest time for me in general and even more so with the pregnancy.  By the time I get home from work and picking up Boo from the nanny around 6pm, I'm exhausted, hungry, and know that I need to fix dinner, play with Boo, do a bath, etc.  

Boo wants to play, play, play, and last night the tiredness got the better of us both.  He cried.  I cried.  He cried some more.  I was angry - at him, at me.  I felt guilty. And still there was the tiredness, the dinner.  I tried to call my husband - get home QUICK.  Couldn't reach him.  He made it home just slightly later than ususal and was awesome in that he took one look at the situation and took over. 

He got Boo into the bath.  I ate a bowl of cereal and went to bed.  Seriously.

This morning, we did it all over again with him refusing to get in the car (which NEVER happens) and then crying on my shoulder when we arrived.  So un-fun.

The advice from the nanny:  Simply explain what's going on.  And that it's NOT HIS FAULT.  Duh.  The poor kid sees me getting upset and he things it's all him. And then he wants me even more, at precisely the moment that it's difficult.  A nasty spiral was starting.  I was teary coming to work and realized that whatever was happening between us was happening to both of us. I was trying so hard not to get mad at him but not being able to take his clingly whining cry-over-nothingness, and yet getting mad anyway.  So ... lessons learned:

• Time to start talking to Boo about the new Boy in a regular way, whether he fully understand or not.

• Make sure that he knows that my changing state is not his fault and that he's still totally awesome.

• Cook less during the week - make some yummy things ready to go on the weekend.

• Make sure E is around as much as possible to run interference as needed. Let him do a little more in the evening, which is his up-time.

• Hope for the best.